Kinda tired coz I slept at 3AM in the morning..spent my time chatting..listening to songs and thinking at the same time..there are lotsa things in my mind..at times when we have many stuffs stuck in our brains...we tend to mess things up,trying to figure out which issue comes first..often realising that we made a mistake by prioritizing certain things that can be done at a later stage...and overlooking those that needed our attention most..
I sat down..thinking..looking back at my past..I shall pen down my pasts..not to show how foolish or how good I was but to remind me of who I am and ponder what I can do in order to change for the better,Insyallah..I started out as a normal naive and timid gal..having spent all my life with my grandparents,as my guardian..I was brought up the kampung style in which is strong with the olden beliefs that a girl shall stay as a girl,with Eastern values,that explains a thousand words of her self-worthiness. The strict upbringing,in the first place,angers me a lot. I can't go out of the house alone,even if I wanted to buy stuffs at the MaaMaa shop, I must have a valid reason and return within a specific time,otherwise its 1001 questions thrown at me..I am sure some of us were treated this way too when they were young,huh? For those Malays out there..if you happen to recall a classic Malay movie entitled "Lela Manja"...it somehow portrayed how my childhood days were..
But as I grew older, I envy those around me..my frenz are able to go to Northpoint and shop,able to walk around town as if that's their second neighbourhood area..as for me, at that point of time..juz imagine until the age of 16,I can be found lost in town..I only knew Wisma coz its beside the MRT and that straight route shall lead to Takashimaya.Other than that, I am blur. Frenz do laugh at me..a couple of times made fun of my foolishness of not knowing Orchard area that well.Again, I felt angered by their acts,swearing within myself but now, thinking back again, I manage to smile confidently...Not trying to say that they are bad and I am good but...with such strict upbringing..I stand ahead infront if not among those who have succeeded a certain milestones in our lives...
After my high school days, I move over to tertiary education,pursuing my diploma..I moved to stay with my parents coz I believe if I were to still stay with my grandparents and aunts, I can never see myself mingling around with anybody in particular.I brace up to speak to my granny and my aunt (they took care of me since i was 1 Week old),telling them that I had decided to stay with my parents. I knew they will be flabbergasted by that decision of mine..coz all of us in the family knew..that I am the outcast,my parents prefers my 3young siblings,all boys...than me,their first child and only daughter..so what do I do? I traded my comfort at my granny's home for a lil bit of freedom..barter trade they call it,huh? It took me a while to adjust to the new environment.Firstly, I can't expect the daily dose I got from my granny.Nobody will pat me to sleep,nobody will care about my well-being and worst still, when I am sick..nobody will be there for me till I am well...and I thought I was strong enough to face all those but I am still weak..learning about life..like a kid trying to walk from crawling...
I cried,thinking how foolish I once was when I thought they mistreated me with all those chilli-fillings in my mouth and stuffs..I realised that my granny and aunts did that, so that it benefits me in future..in the long run...WHY? During my stay with my parents, I saw how my brothers' attitude was towards my parents and my maid. No respect and self-responsibility..they can just yell back at my parents,yell at the maid,treat the maid like a dirt and stuffs..and I look at myself..I can't even bear to answer back to my parents,even if certain things they do or order me to do,is not up to my own likings..I accepted their wishes as a favour from a daughter to her elders.I respected my maid not only as an individual but also as someone elder.Not trying to sell myself but trying to project to all of us, that at times how much we all wanted to be brought up in the modernised and Western way...often forgetting that our roots are from the East..Easterners especially Malays, are reknowned for the strong culture of respecting their elders and full of kesopanan diri..
Parents can just raise their voices and tell the kids to mind their manners but is that enough,by just reprimanding? Its true, hendak melentur buluh biarlah dari rebungnya...but when they are big enough with brains..kata orang dah boleh jadi bapak/mak orang....susah nak lentur...All I did as an eldest sibling was to educate them what I had gone through,explaining to them,why is it wrong to answer back to elders and stuffs.No doubt at times I shout and yell at them, it just happens when you can't control the situations but after that, I always make an effort to approach them,apologizing for the harsh words mentioned and sweet talk them into thinking what is right and what is wrong..Alhamdulillah, as time passed by, my brothers began to see what I tried to do to them..RESPECT is what I earned in the end,though wasn't planned. It felt good when they respected me as an elder among them.And my parents slowly until now, respected me for my ability to show them that to gain respect is to respect others first..
I faced all the discriminations with pain and hurt in my heart..if only one can see through it, it's full of plasters,bleeding still,each time trying to heal,poked over again and again..So I planned my life, to be successful and alhamdulillah,kata orang, hendak seribu daya,tak mahu seribu dalih..bit by bit, the respect I gained paid off with the hardships I went through...though its nothing much to discuss about..and still in the process of moving on..Life in polytechnic widens my circle of friends and foes..that's life, there's positive,negative,bad,good..ada seerti dan lawanannya..friends that taught me good things in life,that'll benefit me in future is hard to come by..I made frenz too with those who tink the world is there for eternity and forgot who they are,too engrossed in world full of craps - drugs,sex & alcohol..I mixed with all types of people - young,old,gays,lesbian,transsexuals,conservative,open etc.. I've seen those who took drugs, seen them shivering..seen those who frequently change their partners in favour of sex..astaghfirullahaladhzim..
In my life, it would be a biggest lie if I said I have no guys around waiting for me..I'm not the hottest gal in town..I'm just a plain lass with braces,stereotypically proven to be unfavourable to guys with ugly appearance of braces and nerdy specs..what did I do to stand out? I believe in myself, believe in bringing the real me from within and let myself to be discovered by those whose mata hati terbuka melihat keindahan alami/rohani..bukat jasmani..and love life is known to be full of ups & downs,break-ups,ditching and bitching around are common stuffs..i went through abusive relationships,ditched before..break-ups follow next..each time it hurts me...used to take quite a long time to heal..not too long but the scar is still there..but soon i began to feel numb about it..will brood and cry for a moment and later smile and giggle another..coz I hate to be sad for I shall fall sick..one thing about me is I'm vulnerable to being sick easily if not taken care of properly..dalam kehidupan kita pasti ada insan-insan yang suka mengata..at times people love to see other's faults without even realising theirs..funny to know that they often think they have achieved greatest heights in life,as if they are among those elite ones who knows a lot about life..but actually they are not perfect themselves..perfection does not occur in this world but in the world after life...after all our sins are cleansed..
Satisfaction with what I am having right now is not there yet...for any humans infact, there can never be a point of time they are totally satisfied over everything in life..surely there'll be something they want to achieve over time..I am especially contented with my achievements so far that brought me to where I stand now..its not the end but i still have many stuffs to achieve for..in which I have to work hard for it..memang betul kata kak Lyana, memendam rasa itu tidak memberi faedah..I felt hurt before,felt used and manipulated but I thank these people for they have made me stronger..to face people like them in future..I dun give a damn what others might have say about me,myself and my thoughts..they have the rights over their mouth but only those with brains will discover the truth by being with me,not by reading or hearing stuffs about me..it takes one to know one..and I have always liked that saying.. Glad that I did not choose the wrong path in life when I face difficulties like family and relationship problems..pity my frenz who chose to club,indulge in illegal stuffs and sexual activities juz to buy time and boredom in their life..life is precious and fun only if we know how to live it up..the right way of coz..for now..I am still learning about life and shall pick up what I find best and shall fit me..
