Met my surgeon this morning..he told me something which I can't accept till now..the fact that my right hand still have bloodclots which he & his team of surgeons couldn't remove totally,that's why I'm on anti-coagulation medication now,with hopes that those devillish clots will dissolve..but it seems not..cause my wrist,seems a bit degenerated..in a sense that it seems smaller and bony a bit than my left wrist plus if you press it for pulse reading,my wrist will bruise on the spot..Dr. Mathew told me he tried to save my hand from dying away and that's more important so that I can still use my hand but to make it strong as before, he can't...and I can't hold weapon anymore...that saddens me most..I love weapons..I love to go section training..
I sat at home..feeling restless..depress..sad..angry over the situation..told him but he seems not to understand how I feel..deep within I know who understands me most..squirtie always knows me better but at this moment I tried not to think about it..then came another pain in my heart...i was actually hoping to see CoCoNutz later at night after his work..I tried to seem understanding by SMS-ing him its ok not to meet me since he finishes late..Deep inside I really want to meet him but he seems to take my words for granted..Again it seems squirtie knows better... Worst still when he called me to say if I wanna go supper..I was about to jump for joy thinking he could finally understand my heart until he told me he's picking up a colleague of ours and intend to bring him to supper with me if I want to have supper. *sigh* Heart sank below than the depth of the sunken Titanic,you know?!
He didn't call me back..after sometime..I called him..said how could he do this,he said he'd promised this colleague of ours that he'd pick him up and send him back to camp plus he quote that I didn't want to meet him..excuse me SGT, can you learn how to read a woman's heart? When she says NO,Never mind,It's ok...all these can mean the opposites....how many men out there actually lack of the intellectual to understand a womans' mind and heart??
I plugged into the radio via Mp3 player...Class 95FM played love songs that made me tear up..I begin to compare..weigh..this is not good for me..I stopped and decided to blog my heart out...I needed a man who can be there when I needed him most..I needed a man who can understand my mood swings,my needs,my feelings..my tension..my everything..a man who pampers me with his love and undying concern over even small matters..who'll never leave me alone that makes me feel lonely.. squirtie always said," touch your heart...you know what u want and dun hold it back till too late.." That sets me thinking..am I too late or have I gone too far to falter? Allah knows better..yes I know Allah knows everything in our hearts..Dear God..show me the path..the truth I've been looking for..like what I had asked before from you,Allah, if Maurice is The ONE for me, show it,bring us closer and under your faith and blessings...if he is otherwise, distance us apart and move our hearts and minds...Amin..Ya rabbal alamin..
